What Color Are the Sunglasses?

I'm really trying to let this go, but sleep eludes me.  Telling myself, it really doesn't matter.  Just let it go.

But the truth is - IT does matter.  Our words matter.

Every time.

The message we send out when we talk always matters.  Words leave lasting impressions.  So please take heed.

I am outraged at how insensitive others can be.


Tired of others not listening to what is being said.

Tired of others thinking they know best.

I know my child.

Through the highs and the lows.

Through the calm and the storm, flare-ups and recovery.

I know my child.

I know what makes him tick and what makes him stop.


I know all of this because I am his MOM.

And I love him for who he is.  All of him.

He does not need changing.  He needs compassion, understanding and acceptance knowing it's okay to be who he is.

He does NOT need a sales clerk to ignore him when he says he does not like something.

Sidebar - HUGE milestone... Ivan did not shrink into me when the woman spoke to him.  He did not whisper to me to answer for him.  He spoke for himself and told her he did not like the cars pattern.

So, what does she do?

Digs around and pulls out a dump truck pattern.  Ivan visibly gritted his teeth and told her again that he did not like stuff like that.  And she got huffy with him!  Trying to kill her with sweetness & let it roll off my back, I whispered to her that he was just beginning to explore his independence in fashion styles.  Dismissively thanked her, turned my back to her and started looking through the clothes with Ivan.

Of all the nerve!  My insides were screaming at her rudeness.  How dare she!

We get to the register to make our purchase and I see a small rack of sunglasses.  Ivan's been needing a new pair so I asked him to see if there were any he liked.  He was immediately drawn to a red glittery pair.  Now hold on to your seat.  This is where ugly got even worse.

The rude, dismissive clerk became an ego-crushing witch.

And this is where words matter, right here.

She told Ivan and I quote, "You don't want those.  Those are for girls."


That - that made him stop.  Ivan withdrew the hand he had tentatively reached out to pick up those sunglasses like he was about ready to grab a venomous snake.  I have never seen a child shrivel up into himself so quickly.  I swear he shrunk at least 3 sizes before my eyes.

By God, if looks could kill... I'd have vaporized her on the spot.

While Ivan braced himself and reached out to pick out another pair, the clerk was grabbing the boys sunglasses and thrusting them at him.  Telling him these were the ones he wanted.

Seriously.  This woman had a death wish.

The next pair that caught Ivan's eye were white with silver glitz.  And again, the clerk remarked that those were for girls.  Now, Ivan's physically backing away from the rack & register and I quickly get a gentle hand on him to help him get grounded.  I'm telling him that he can get whatever pair he likes.  It's his choice... not so subtly trying to let the woman know to back off.  By then it didn't matter, though.

One of Ivan's strongest desires is to fit in.  He does not want to do anything that is perceptibly different.  It was my turn to grit teeth and bite my tongue.  Wouldn't you know it, none of the boys sunglasses fit.  So we didn't get any.  Knowing and feeling how upset Ivan was, I hugged him to me as we made our purchase all the while I debated whether or not to waste my breath on this woman.

 Right or wrong, I just could not leave without telling her how I felt.  Words matter and I had to make sure what I said was appropriate for little ears.  What I wanted to say...

...to shout - was most definitely not suited for the young.

So what I did say was this:

I need to give you some feedback and please take it personally.  It is not up to you to decide what is for girls or boys.  That is not your job.  I do not appreciate you speaking to my son the way you did.  It was insensitive and grossly inappropriate.  He can decide what he does or does not like without you telling him what he should or should not want.  I do not appreciate you sharing your gender bias with us and hope that you will consider that with your other customers.

Ivan and I walked out hand-in-hand past a gawking customer with our heads held high.  As soon as we were out of the store, Ivan asked me why I said that to the clerk.

Words matter.  They really do.

My answer was that she was being rude by not listening to him and that was unacceptable.  She should not treat customers like that.  My hope is that Ivan will remember that he is free to be himself.  My fear is that he will remember how that witch made him feel.

I will continue to advocate for Ivan to be who he wants to be and to embrace the things he likes whether it fits into a narrow confine of what is deemed acceptable or breaks the gender bias.  In the end, who cares what color the sunglasses are?!

Jack Fruit: The 3 Hour Tour

I saw my first jack fruit at the Asian market that we now frequent.  I was instantly intrigued.  The fruit is absolutely ginormous!  It just boggles the mind.  What on earth do you do with a fruit that big?  The only other fruit that comes close in size, that I know of, is watermelon.

I love watermelon as much as the next person, but nutritionally it does not hold water compared to a jack fruit.  Well.... I take that back.  Watermelon does hold a lot of water - just not nearly the nutrition.  And when dealing with limited diets, nutrient dense foods are worth their weight in gold.

Jack fruit is our new gold - fingers crossed.  IF the kiddos bodies tolerate it.  Feeling a bit like the Professor from Gilligan's Island... won't you join me in my 3+ hour tour.

Whole Jack Fruit - nice & ripe

Be sure to oil your knife & cutting board with a safe for you oil.  I used coconut oil.  Oiling the surfaces will make clean-up much easier.  This fruit is crazy sticky!

First cut

Close up

You'll notice 4 parts to this fruit.  The thick white stuff at the top is waste, orange fruit, seeds and white stringy meat.

Get your bowls lined up!

 

Cut away thick white matter

 

Bend back against shell to loosen fruit from meat.

Remove fruit pods.

Fruit pod

Split open fruit pod to remove seed.

When removing seed pod, be sure to remove it's skin.

The seeds can be roasted for a crunchy snack or ground into flour.  Or they can be boiled & used like chestnuts.  Either way they'll need skinned before eating.  A tip shared by Marketless Mondays is to freeze the seeds first as it makes it easier to skin the seeds after cooking.

Keep the fruit at top and toss the end the seed attached to.

Fibrous meat

Don't throw out the meat!  Once all the fruit & seeds have been removed, go back and scale the meat off the outer shell.  The meat can be used in stir-fry.

Scaling meat

Cooking down some of the fruit

New food trials must be cooked first for Holly and Ivan.  Once I had enough fruit ready, I tossed some in a pan with a little water and cooked it down for about 20 minutes.  I was thinking of making smoothies for afternoon snack.  This project was taking much longer than I would ever have imagined, so I ended up making ices for the kids.  They LOVED it.

So far so good.  Tucked in for the night with no reactions.  We'll see how the night goes.  Hopefully their bodies love this new fabulous fruit as much as they do!

I'm looking forward to roasting seeds, cooking up stir-fry with the meat and playing with the fruit to see what new concoctions I can come up with.  At least once my fingers recover!

Spring Series #2b - Recognizing Pre-Meltdown Clues Part 2

Alrighty, then - so picking up where we left off from Part 1... our clue count was up to 8.

As I'm chugging down my coke, Ivan asks if he can read the ingredient label on the pack of gum I snagged at the register.  I bought it thinking of him and his super-uber sensitive nose not liking the smell of peanut butter.  What harm could there be in letting him read the ingredients?

Well, let me tell you.

Ivan is an amazing sous chef and budding recipe creator (you'll notice he's even got his own recipe corner in the tabs).  He is super involved with his menu and reactions to foods when they come up.  We are teaching him food & reaction management hoping that when we aren't around he will be better equipped to make good choices.

We practically have shared living space between the kitchen and various grocery stores.  Our life revolves around food.  It's absolutely crucial that we keep on top of the hierarchy of foods.  We have 3 tiers.

1. Almost always safe, knowing where some cheats can happen
2. Safe with rotation & frequency monitored for seasons & symptoms (see OAS tab for more on this).
3. Never safe due to reactions and/or health ethics

 Got it... keeping this hierarchy in mind, you'll understand why this is extremely infuriatingly hilarious.  At least, I'm telling myself that it will be one day.

The first ingredient Ivan reads off is, of all things, aspartame.  He's on a roll and continues to read the whole list, while I'm stuck on the first one.  How on earth did I just buy gum with that poison in it?!  That stuff will not pass my lips or my kids EVER.

Then my mind immediately goes to the fact that I'm pushing Ivan past his meltdown point with my agenda and I've just eaten Reese's bites.  I rarely eat peanut butter and almost never when he's around because the smell is so offensive to him.

Seriously, I have to choose now between chewing gum with poison in it or pretty much guaranteeing major sensory overload & the fireworks that come with it.  Clue #9 - head for cover.

Or so I thought.  My little guy made the choice for me.

He adamantly refused to give me the gum and insisted on throwing it in the trash as soon as we got out of the car at the next store.  Only after deeply inhaling the heavenly scent of an open piece for the entire walk from car to trashcan.

Hold on a minute... let that sink in.  I had to.  I was totally blown away.

Ivan was looking out for my well-being.  Mine, not his.  In fact, he was willing to deal with my nasty peanut butter breath.  Do you get how huge this is?!

HUGE.

Back to the shoes.  Or in this case, mission to find sandals for Ivan.  And shoes for Holly.

I saw all I needed after about 5 minutes in the store.  We still ended up being there for over an hour.  But, after insisting on trying just about every available size of one style sandal, starting with the biggest and methodically working down, Ivan found a pair that would work and he even liked.  Victory!  One kid with shoes for the season and one to go.

But first home for lunch!

Then back out to go to THE store that I was trying to avoid in the first place.  I don't know why I fight it.  Well, yes I do - trying to save some money.  Some days it just isn't worth it.  At the end of the journey, it would've been a shorter day to go there from the beginning.  Would've been less stress, less over stimulation and more pleasant experience with a higher price tag.

Shoes bought for all, we headed home with 2 tuckered out kiddos and 1 frazzled momma.

Silly me not thinking that shopping on the same day Ivan & I had haircuts scheduled would be an issue.  Now, why would I even think that'd be too much.  Live and learn.

Live and learn.

Running late to haircuts due to sitter running late.  We rushed over, trying to get dinner on the way & having to skip it so as not to be late.  Clue #10 - changing plan & dinner time.  Then we sat for over 1/2 an hour because she was running behind.  Come on, really!  Clue #11 - impatience & boredom.

Listening to Ivan tell me every few seconds how starving he is and I'm praying he doesn't come unglued.  We finally get our turn and as I'm sitting down to go first, the battery dies on the Nook.  Oh great!  Clue #12 - no media to occupy time.

Thankfully, my hair didn't take long.  I'm going through the growing it out phase & just needed some shaping up.  Ivan hops up in the chair and she asks if he wants to do the clippers.  Inside I'm screaming NO.  Outwardly, I'm trying to subtly let her know it's not a good idea.  The subtle head shake was totally missed.  Clue #13 - ABORT.  My mouth is shut and I'm trying so hard to let him decide when I should be speaking up.

We talked about this option on the way over and decided on scissors.  Even on a good day the clippers can be overwhelming to him.  For some reason he decided he wanted the clippers.  Oh boy, here we go.  I reminded him of our talk and asked if he was sure.  Knowing full well he would dig in his heels because now I was embarrassing him even though I was trying to be discreet.  Clue #14 - ignoring parental advice when he knows I'm being honest.

No matter.  Clippers it was and the stylist not picking up on me not being thrilled was selling the clipper angle because she prefers them (faster cut) and she had new clippers that he might like better than the old ones.

But today, it wouldn't have matter one iota.

I did speak up then & talking to the stylist through Ivan reminded her that he needs to hear and feel the clippers on his hand and then cheek before starting on hair.  I also reminded him that if he needed a break or to stop to let us know.

The stylist took it in stride.  She was also trying to rush.  We were her last appointments for the day.  I think I was irritating her by hovering to closely monitor Ivan's reaction to the clippers.  He was not doing well.

Not well at all.  I quickly and quietly, trying not to further embarrass him, asked if he was okay.

Did you know that eyes can speak?

His spoke volumes.  He was most definitely not okay.  He was pulling at the smock and then started to freak out because he felt like he was being choked.  He took a break from the chair and we loosened the smock & tucked a towel under it to try making it less constrictive.  Back in the chair.

Back to the clippers.  Still not doing well.  I crouched down in front of him so he could see me.  I gently squeezed his leg so he could feel me.  We did some deep breathing together as much as you can when trying to wipe every strand of hair falling on the smock off.  The stylist was getting a little huffy and I can't say I blame her.  It's hard to do a haircut on a moving target.  I reminded him to breath and sit still.  I could actually feel him coming undone.

I looked up at her and quietly told her to stop and let him have a break.  As soon as the clippers were off, he bounced out of the chair like it was on fire.  My heart was shredded and I was biting back the tears.  For something that seems so trivial, inconsequential for most people.  This was pure torture.

And I stood there wondering if it would have been so, if the day hadn't already been so overwhelming.  Who's to say?  Some days he tolerates the clippers regardless of sensory load.  Today was most definitely not one of those days.

I knew it wouldn't be one of those days and yet I wanted to let him decide how he wanted his haircut.  A lesson learned here for sure.  Were I to have it to do over again...

I would do it the same.  I hate that he had such a hard time with it.  BUT... he got through it.  He met & faced a daunting challenge and came out victorious!

While he was resetting, the stylist looked over at me and asked me, "does patience come with time?"

I looked at her a little confused.  What did she mean by that exactly?  I had to stop and consider where she thought I was using patience.  It took me a minute, so I acted like I was watching Ivan and put myself into what I imagined her perspective was to formulate an answer.

When living in "our world", to me, it has become less about patience and much more about understanding & acceptance.  She wasn't trying to start an in-depth discussion on the topic, so my answer was simply, "Yes.  Some days are better than others".

I guess like there's a safe food hierarchy for us, there's also a hierarchy of patience.  For us, patience was in the beginning of our journey and morphed into understanding along the way, while the ultimate goal is acceptance.

Chocolate Caramel Squash Cake with Carameled Pecan Sauce

One of those long names that just can't be shortened to do the delectable justice!  I've had a kabocha squash staring at me for over a month crying out to be made into something scrumptious.  I also have a failed attempt at honey & cream taffy that turned out more like a caramel sauce - well technically it would be a honey sauce.  If you ask Ivan it tastes more like toffee, which he's never had but he's surprisingly right in what the flavor is.  I've been wanting to make our coffee cake and just not wanting to figure out all the mods needed to make it free of the new stuff we're avoiding.  Inspiration hit me today as I was relaxing with the kiddos (oxymoronic isn't it!).  This mouthful of a name cake is absolutely yummilicious!

 

Tapioca Eggs for Baking

So what do you do when your daughter can't have eggs.  Or in the odd event that you've gotten inspired to create and have no eggs.  Turn to egg "replacers" naturally.  And the breakdown for what we've got available is:

• Store bought are totally out of the question - just not even considering them.
• She cannot do bananas.
• Cannot do psyllium seed husk powder
• No tofu
• Haven't found a "safe" flax
• Chia seeds are crazy expensive
• No luck making an arrowroot egg

And the ONLY option left that I know of is using tapioca.  I've attempted making these several times and they all flopped.  Then in one of my many rabbit hole searches, I ran across this Cake & Commerce gel egg substitute and have fallen in LOVE.

To further add to it's success, Ivan gives his stamp of approval at the lack of added taste.  Since he and Holly are the main ones I bake for, their approval holds a lot of stock in my book.

1-2-3 Guacamole

Ingredients

• 1/2 avocado
• 4 grinds of salt
• 4 shakes of paprika

Directions

Cut > mush > add 1/4 of salt & paprika > stir > add 1/4 of salt & paprika > stir > add 1/4 of paprika & salt > stir > add 1/4 of paprika & salt > stir & spread on safe crackers & enjoy!!!!!!

Spring Series #2 - Recognizing Pre-Meltdown Clues Part 1

I keep failing the test.  Ya know that lesson on slowing down, having an agenda for the day.  One of these days I hope to get it... really get it before bedtime & the nightly review of the day and how things could have been better.

I did get it before bedtime and just a hair before meltdown mode couldn't be aborted... during Ivan's haircut.

It's been a long day.  My agenda - shoe shopping for both kiddos.  In my mind, shoes = a necessity.  In the whole scheme of things, maybe not.

Shoe shopping is not an enjoyable errand.  My kids don't have easy feet to get shoes for.  I know the one place to go that we always can find shoes that fit and are comfortable in every way, except for the wallet.  So, every time I try to go to the other cheaper places and wind up at THE store anyway.  And that's exactly what happened again today.

I did hedge my bets at least and planned on getting an early start so that IF we had to make the trek into THE store, we'd have time (see agenda = necessity).

The plan to start early went out the window before we even sat down for breakfast.  Ivan woke up really out of sorts thanks to a nightmare and not in the mood to go anywhere.  He was begging for a home day.  Clue #1 that we should've aborted the mission.

But I had a plan & agenda.  We struggled through breakfast and the morning routine.  I, having been here so many times, quickly inserted my broken record setting in attempts to keep my cool when encouraging Ivan along step by step to get ready for the day.  Clue #2 to abort.

My agenda must be done.  It must.  In my mind I'm rationalizing it as a gentle insistence thing and explaining to Ivan that if we stayed home every time we didn't feel like going out, we'd quickly run into problems.

And of course there is absolutely no rushing anything or it takes ten times as long.  Thank you to Mr. Murphy S. Law.  By the time we were all ready to walk out the door, it was snack time.  Naturally, Ivan does not want any of the available food choices but he's starving.  Round and round we go until he settles for one of his sister's muffins.  Holly has very few items on her menu so we ration her food sharing to ensure she has enough for her.  Running low on her food and a day of errands mix like oil & water.  But, not the battle to pick at this very moment.  I'd just have to figure out a way to do magic at some point after MY agenda.  Clue #3 to abort because well, eating's kinda important and when things have to be made from scratch, grabbing something on the go is simply not our reality.

In my warped mind, I really hoped that we'd find the shoes we needed at one of 2 stores just minutes from home.  We'd be home in time for lunch and I could make more muffins during Holly's nap.  And all would be good.

Hmm - yea, right!  That was so not happening.

Fast forward some - we make it to the first store which I refuse to name because I abhor supporting it and most of the time don't.  Anyway, Ivan ever helpful was pulling out pair after pair of shoes for his sis to try.  This was not going to be quick by any stretch of the imagination.  Ivan was over stimulated after about 5 minutes with the seemingly endless choices.  And all to no avail, they had no shoes for Holly.  Clue #3 to abort - call it a wash and run home.  But did I listen.  Nope, not me.  I had an agenda.
Must get shoes for kids...

Trying to salvage it some and maybe, just maybe save some money, we looked for Ivan.  So many choices.  And then trying to find the right sizes, trying them on to see that they didn't fit or rubbed funny or.... Or.... Or...

Next thing I know we're racing to the restroom for a belated pit stop.  And of course in my hurry to stick to the agenda, I left the extra clothes in the car.  Clue #4 - JUST GO HOME ALREADY.  Seriously how many clues do you need?  Apparently today, more than 4.

Going for a wardrobe change in the car & abandoning our shopping cart holding Ivan's precious new sneakers was just too much to bear.  He was so afraid someone would take his shoes.  And of course it was the only pair in that style & size.

Momma needs a drink, something with caffeine to quell the migraine that is grabbing hold.  Clue #5 - shopping with 2 kids and a migraine.... funny, right!

We finally get to the car and Ivan is getting distracted with everything.  Clue #6 - this is a biggie.  And then the space next to our car that was empty all of a sudden isn't empty and Ivan's literally trying to melt into the floorboard, while I'm trying to entertain Holly who's decided she's had enough.  Clue #7 - repeatedly needing reassurance that the coast was clear to change.

At this point, I knew full well that we needed to go home.  But now, it wasn't my agenda.  Right then, right there we had to go back in the store to get his sneakers that he took so much care to pick out for himself.

And you know exactly where my mind is at this very moment.  PLEASE, please, please.... let the damn shoes still be where we left them.  And at the same time bracing for a catastrophic meltdown if they weren't there.  Walking through the doors, taking a huge silent deep breath in.... holding my breath and on seeing the cart with shoes right where we left them - exhaling.

You'd think at this point that we'd just take the shoes straight to a register, pay and go home.  You would think that.  But me, no.  Not me.  I'm gonna claim diminished smarts here due to the growing migraine.  Sounds good, right!

Back to the shoe section we go.  To look for, of all things, flip flops.  Ivan loves flip flops.  Loves 'em.  He has a unique way of walking in them and we end up relegating them to outdoor-only use.  As he's contemplating the various styles to choose from, Holly is letting us know very clearly that she's ready to go home.  Trying to keep her entertained, I put her in the back of the cart and she decided to turn it in to her own trampoline.  Leave it to her, mid-meltdown to entertain not only herself but everyone else around.

Tally - sneakers and flip-flops found.  Clues to call it a day - lucky 7.  Can't check out, though.  We've still gotta find sandals.  And this store ain’t the place.

Yay!  Finally time to check out.  Grab a Coke (for migraine), Reese's (quick protein boost to offset soda) and some gum (to mask peanut butter smell for Ivan) for me.  Get out the door, to the car and as I'm chugging the coke to keep from getting sick, Ivan decided to read the ingredients label on the gum to me.  Internally, rolling my eyes because I know this is not going to go well.  Clue #8 - seriously, I am this dense sometimes.  Or determined to get an errand done.  Pushing through on to the next store, in the same parking lot because we are SO close.  And IF (that's a big IF) we are lucky, after this store we can go home and stay there for some much needed downtime.

Join us tomorrow for Part 2.  Remember the haircut I mentioned in the beginning?  You won't want to miss how this adventure wraps up!